Children

A change in emotion or behaviour might be due to abuse, but it could also be due to other worries. Start the conversation with your child by asking about the things that's making them worry, sad, or fearful. Be patient as they articulate their answers. If they can't answer, encourage them that it's good to share feelings because sometimes parents can help fix problems. Reinforce the fact that you love them and you'll do what you can to make things better.

A child who has been abused might disclose in answer to your questions, or they might not at this time. Another possibility is that seemingly out of the blue a child tells you that someone has touched them in a way they didn't like.

Finding out whether abuse has occurred or not involves a process of investigation with various factors to take into account. To learn more ways to know what to look out for and start the conversation with your child, check out "How can I protect my child from sexual abuse?" pamphlet on this page.
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What happens next when a child discloses about abuse is really important in their later recovery from the whole experience. Children need to feel listened to, cared for and safe after disclosure.

Remember, the responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the person who has caused the sexual harm. It is rare for children to make up abuse concerns.

The following list is a guide to help you respond appropriately if a child chooses you as their 'safe person' to disclose their experience to:

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• Be calm - trust that you and the child will get any help you need to handle this situation.
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• Stay emotionally connected to the child - if you do feel panic and shock, set this aside for now to allow you to stay connected to the child's emotional needs. 
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• Listen and take seriously what the child tells you. 
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• Praise the child for their bravery in telling you. Reassure the child that it is not their fault and that you will help. 
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• Tell the child that there are people that you will need to talk to in order to get help. 
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• Ensure that the child is safe now - if not, call the Police. 
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Then:  

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• Seek professional advice.
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• Protect the child's privacy in the family or community.
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• Offer continuing love and support.
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• Seek support for yourself.
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Developmentally, children have very black and white thinking. Therefore, rules offer clear guidelines and a tool of reference if they experience a 'no' touch. It gives a child the confidence to say 'it's not OK'.
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\nReinforce your child's concept of body ownership by teaching them that their body belongs to them. All parts of the body have a name and function and it is important for children to be able to name their body parts, including those that are private. Use correct names for body parts, including private parts of the body.

Once the concept of body ownership is established, teach them these 3 touching rules for private parts:

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1. It's OK to touch your own
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2. It's not ok to touch someone else's
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3. It's not ok for someone else to touch yours
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Children are the bosses of their own bodies.

Teach your child these 3 steps for when
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1. Yell "No!"
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2. Run away from him/her
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3. Tell a safe person.
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Other statements they can learn:

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• "Go away!"
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• "Don't touch me."
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• "I'll tell!"
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• "Leave me alone."
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• "It's my body and you can't touch it!"
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Children need to know that there are naughty adults who break rules and don't know how to behave properly. Children should also know that they do not have to obey an adult or older person who gives them an unsafe feeling.

The point to emphasise is that children should not keep any secrets that hurt, frighten, worry or confuse them. For children to be able to tell secrets, they must be convinced that you will:
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• Believe them
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• Listen to them
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• Reassure them that they will not be punished for what they tell you
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Children who have experienced harmful sexual behaviour of any form, have sexual knowledge beyond their age. To help them on their journey to be harm-free, it would be helpful to teach them what's okay and what's not when it comes to healthy sexual behaviour.

Yes - Between two adults who love and care about each other and have the same amount of power

No - Not between an adult and a child because the adult has all the power and the child doesn't understand

No - Not between a big kid and a little kid because the big kid has all the power

No - Not between kids because it is too confusing

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1. I decide who comes inside my bubble for hugs, cuddles and other good touching
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2. If anyone else comes inside my bubble without my permission, and I don't like it, I can say "NO" and tell them to leave.
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