Being harmed – Child

Families should always feel safe and nurturing. At any point when any member of the family feels controlled, fearful and harmed is never okay.

Sexual abuse is an isolating experience. No two responses to sexual abuse are exactly the same. Many factors will contribute to how your child has responded so far, how he/she has come to understand the sexual abuse and how he/she is coping now.

Research tells us that children who disclose often tell their mothers first, while young people will most likely disclose to a friend first. This may be due to a fear of the changes that may come about when others know. Ultimately, once a child or a young person has disclosed to you, this shows a high level of trust and readiness for the healing process to begin.

Your child’s journey may be long and varied. Understanding your child’s pace and needs will be a huge help as you both navigate this new path.

Many parents think that if someone hurt their child, that the child would tell them immediately, or that they would just know. Unfortunately, neither of these beliefs are true. While many children do disclose to parents, particularly to their mothers, there are many reasons why children don't tell, including:

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• The person causing them harm told them not to. Children are brought up to obey adults and be polite. These behaviours, which make them 'good children', also make them 'easy victims'. The person causing them harm may have convinced the child to keep it a secret. 
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• The child may have been threatened by the adult or young person with harm. 
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• Fears of not being believed, of being punished, or of being rejected. 
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• Loyalty issues - if the adult is a trusted figure (family member or friend of parents) 
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• Communication difficulties - sometimes children may not have the words to articulate their distress or what was done to them, but instead they may display distressed behaviour eg. sleep difficulties or a return to younger behaviour such as clinginess or wetting/soiling themselves. 
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• A sense of responsibility for keeping the family together - 'If you tell you will break up the family and it will be your fault'. 
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• Confusion/self-blame - the touching may have begun as appropriate touching and gradually progressed to inappropriate touching. This may leave the child feeling confused about why they didn't stop it earlier and who is to blame. Also at times the touching may feel enjoyable to the child and they may feel confused about this or feel bad that they liked it.
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Sexually transmitted infections are the only clear indicator of abuse. For all other possible indicators, these may only become apparent during a conversation with the child. Start by asking what's making them worry, sad or fearful. Be patient as they articulate their answers. If they can't answer, encourage them that it's good to share feelings because sometimes parents can help fix problems. Reinforce the fact that you love them and you'll do what you can to make things better.

A child who has been abused might disclose in answer to your questions, or they might not at this time. Another possibility is that seemingly out of the blue a child tells you that someone has touched them in a way they didn't like.

What happens next when a child discloses about abuse is really important in their later recovery from the whole experience. Children need to feel listened to, cared for and safe after disclosure.

Remember, the responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the offender. It is rare for children to make up abuse concerns.

The following list is a guide to help you respond appropriately if a child chooses you as their 'safe person' to disclose their experience to:

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• Be calm - trust that you and the child will get any help you need to handle this situation.
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• Stay emotionally connected to the child - if you do feel panic and shock, set this aside for now to allow you to stay connected to the child's emotional needs.
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• Listen and take seriously what the child tells you. 
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• Praise the child for their bravery in telling you. Reassure the child that it is not their fault and that you will help. 
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• Tell the child that there are people that you will need to talk to in order to get help. 
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• Ensure that the child is safe now - if not, call the Police. 
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Then:

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• Seek professional advice.
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• Protect the child's privacy in the family or community.
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• Offer continuing love and support.
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• Seek support for yourself.
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Hearing your child has been sexually abused can bring forward a range of responses from parents and other people in a young person’s family environment. These responses can include: shock, anger, confusion, denial, fear and even powerlessness. You may want to take revenge for your child or confront the offender, if they are known. As a parent you have a significant influence on your child’s journey.

The way you react when you hear about the abuse can have a significant impact on the way that your child recovers from the experience. Staying calm, making sure that your child is safe and being emotionally available to meet your child’s needs can really help.

Part of your role as a caregiver is to navigate your family through the disclosure period and beyond, containing and cushioning the impact of the young person's experience.

Sometimes, when the abuse is historical and there is no apparent risk of further abuse, it is important to understand that your child may have been managing the situation for a long time. Be aware that self-managing for so long, your child may have developed healthy or unhealthy defence mechanisms. Your child may also have unaddressed 'triggers' that bring back memories of the abuse. The ways that they have responded to the abuse might make sense to you or they may not.  Call HELP to get information and support.

Although we suggest you process your personal responses away from your children, totally hiding feelings and vulnerabilities from your child may give the impression that what’s happened is not important, or that you don’t care.

Sometimes young people do not want to talk about what has happened right away. This may leave you feeling like there are information blanks. Although the urgency to know is understandable, it can be overwhelming for your child to be expected to speak about what happened in detail. Sometimes feeling pressured to talk more or to ‘just do something’ may result in your child retreating and closing down or even retracting the disclosure. Let your child know that you are ready to listen when they are ready to talk.

Most parents don't 'just know' that their child has been abused. Physical signs of abuse are usually not present. Most people rarely think abuse could happen to their child. While a few children may have direct physical impacts such as genital injuries or sexually transmitted infections, and a further few may develop prematurely sexualised behaviour, most indicators of abuse are emotional and psychological.

Most children will readily give you an explanation for their injuries. If they don't seem sure of what to say, don't want to talk about it, or their explanations seem unlikely, this is a cause for concern.

Sexually transmitted infections are the only clear physical indicator of abuse. All other possible signs can only be confirmed through communication with your child. A child who had been abused might disclose in answer to your questions, or they might not at this time. Another possibility is that seemingly out of the blue a child tells you that someone has touched them in a way they didn't like.

No matter what you decide to do, remember, you are not interfering if you are acting out of integrity. As a member of your community, it's your responsibility to help keep children safe. Trust your instincts and if you feel you should, call for help.

Emotional

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• Changes in emotional mood or expression - e.g. a primarily happy child becomes unhappy, development of tantrums or aggression, becomes withdrawn 
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• Increased anxiety - unwillingness to separate from parents, developing fears of places or people, developing high levels of rituals. 
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• Sleeping problems - nightmares, bed wetting 
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• An older child behaving more like a younger child e.g. thumb sucking, wanting old soft toys 
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• Self-harming - hitting self, enlarging existing sores 
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• Persistent illness or discomfort - stomachaches or headaches 
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• Indicating that they have worries or a secret which worries them 
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• Becoming withdrawn from peers and social activities 
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• Difficulties with concentration and a drop in school grades 
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• Frequent non-attendance in school 
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• Behaviour problems at school e.g. defiance, poor concentration, disruptiveness 
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• Loss of appetite or overeating 
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• A drop in self-esteem and low self-worth 
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• Developing fears of certain people and places 
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• Depression and suicidal remarks / behaviours 
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• Aggressive behaviours, fighting and angry outbursts 
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• Running away and general withdrawal from people 
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• Loss of confidence
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• Lack of self-care and taking unnecessary risks 
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• Feeling dirty and washing frequently
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• Expressing disgust about intimacy and closeness
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• Avoidance of touch
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Sexualisation 

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• Sexual behaviours and language with other children, adults or toys that seem out of the ordinary. 
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• Age inappropriate sexual knowledge
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• Other problematic sexual behaviours
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• Wants to be nude in public after parent repeatedly and consistently says 'no'.,
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• Secretly shows 'private parts' in public after being scolded
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• Interest in watching bathroom functions does not wane after days/weeks. Refuses to leave people alone in the bathroom 
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• Excessive masturbation 
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 Physical

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• Unexplained injuries or pain in the genitals, anus or mouth
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• Sexually transmitted infections.
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• Unexplained bruises, redness, rashes or bleeding from the genitals, anus or mouth.
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• Genital sores or milky fluids in the genital area.
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• Acknowledge your child's experience. If a child tells you they've been abused, take it seriously. Show your support through words, actions, attitudes and behaviours.
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• Its good for your child to know that you are sad that this has been done to them, but protect them from exposure to the depth of your emotional reactions and processes. Find support for your child and leave your views, questions and judgements to discuss with other adults who can support you.
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• It can help to find other supportive adults to talk to about how you feel.
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• Protect your child from others’ responses if they question the validity of your child's experience.
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• Providing there is no longer a risk of continued abuse, wherever possible we believe it is best for your child to go at their own pace without adding pressure to involve the NZ Police or the Child, Youth and Family or HELP.
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• Wherever possible, it is important for your child to have some sense of control and contribute to decisions. Continue to include your child in decision-making and information sharing in age appropriate ways
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• Endeavour to provide and maintain a safe, healthy environment by being honest, open and consistent. This will build a foundation for your child to experience support and care.
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• Be mindful not to put pressure on your child to disclose more information because of your own shock and confusion.
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• Disbelief of the sexual abuse with even the most visible evidence is common, because most of us don’t want  to believe that people cause others harm in this way.
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• No matter if alcohol or drugs were involved, or appearance was blamed for the assault, remember your child did not deserve to be raped or abused. If someone is incapacitated they should be looked after, not violated.
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• When young people feel like they will be blamed, they may occasionally lie about a detail. This doesn’t mean the rest of the story is not true.
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• Not everyone needs therapy, but information and support can still be helpful.
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• Separate out issues. Not everything going on between you and your child will be related to the abuse.
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• Sometimes the fear of doing more harm makes parents step back from their normal parenting style. Children and young people all need adults to protect and guide them.
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If an official complaint to the police is made, it is important that the detail of the sexual abuse is reported to the police first, not the counsellor. If a disclosure of sexual abuse is made to a counsellor, it is the counsellor’s role to support the young person in deciding what to do next.

The impact of what has happened will vary for each person depending on their own unique history and life experiences, and the nature, frequency and the time the sexual abuse occurred. For some the effects may be more long term. There may need to be some repair of family relationships. Safety and trust have been compromised. Your child may need to reclaim a positive body image to develop healthy sexual experiences.

The type of impact may change over time with frequent exposure to triggers (these are things that remind your child about what happened). Pace plays a significant role in the process. Wanting it to be over and 'fixed' by rushing into therapy might be counterproductive.

As your child recovers from sexual abuse, the way they think about the abuse may not always match the way they physically respond. It can take some time for physiological (body) responses to match their changing thought patterns. For example, they might remain hyper vigilant at times even while they're making progress in other areas of life.

In some circumstances, the initial effects may have evolved into more severe behaviours where mental health issues have been identified. This does not mean your child cannot, with the right support, make progress and recover.

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• Be consistent in your behaviour towards your child, especially when imposing boundaries. Being overprotective after an assault may not be useful. They may feel blame is implied if you change the rules and curfews due to your own fears for their safety. 
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• Be supportive, go slowly and respect your child's physical space, emotional safety, process and pace. 
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• Consider talking to him/her about such things as sleep, feelings about being alone, sense of safety and ability to engage in day-to-day activities.
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Appropriate medical attention following sexual abuse or assault can gather evidence, treat injuries and provide prophylactic care for other consequences of the abuse. It is important this is provided by specialist services that are trained to work with survivors and provide forensically informed services.

While evidence is best gathered within 72 hours, it may still be available up to a week after the event. If you have any questions, in Auckland please call Puawaitahi.

HELP

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• Counselling service for women of any age offering support, information and education. Our service also provides family therapy and support. 
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• 24 hour phone support line. This 24 hour telephone service offers support for young people and their friends/family who need information about issues relating to sexual abuse. 
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• Crisis Team Services. The crisis team is available for immediate responses. They also offer crisis appointments for women needing to make decisions about safety or therapeutic support through police interviewing and medical procedures following sexual abuse.
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