Being harmed – Youth

Families should always feel safe and nurturing. At any point when any member of the family feels controlled, fearful and harmed is never okay.

Sexual abuse is an isolating experience. No two responses to sexual abuse are exactly the same. Many factors will contribute to how your child has responded so far, how he/she has come to understand the sexual abuse and how he/she is coping now.

Research tells us that children who disclose often tell their mothers first, while young people will most likely disclose to a friend first. This may be due to a fear of the changes that may come about when others know. Ultimately, once a child or a young person has disclosed to you, this shows a high level of trust and readiness for the healing process to begin.

Your child’s journey may be long and varied. Understanding your child’s pace and needs will be a huge help as you both navigate this new path.

Hearing your child has been sexually abused can bring forward a range of responses from parents and other people in a young person’s family environment. These responses can include: shock, anger, confusion, denial, fear and even powerlessness. You may want to take revenge for your child or confront the offender, if they are known. As a parent you have a significant influence on your child’s journey.

The way you react when you hear about the abuse can have a significant impact on the way that your child recovers from the experience. Staying calm, making sure that your child is safe and being emotionally available to meet your child’s needs can really help.

Part of your role as a caregiver is to navigate your family through the disclosure period and beyond, containing and cushioning the impact of the young person's experience.

Sometimes, when the abuse is historical and there is no apparent risk of further abuse, it is important to understand that your child may have been managing the situation for a long time. Be aware that self-managing for so long, your child may have developed healthy or unhealthy defence mechanisms. Your child may also have unaddressed 'triggers' that bring back memories of the abuse. The ways that they have responded to the abuse might make sense to you or they may not.  Call HELP to get information and support.

Although we suggest you process your personal responses away from your children, totally hiding feelings and vulnerabilities from your child may give the impression that what’s happened is not important, or that you don’t care.

Sometimes young people do not want to talk about what has happened right away. This may leave you feeling like there are information blanks. Although the urgency to know is understandable, it can be overwhelming for your child to be expected to speak about what happened in detail. Sometimes feeling pressured to talk more or to ‘just do something’ may result in your child retreating and closing down or even retracting the disclosure. Let your child know that you are ready to listen when they are ready to talk.

Most parents don't 'just know' that their child has been abused. Physical signs of abuse are usually not present. Most people rarely think abuse could happen to their child. While a few children may have direct physical impacts such as genital injuries or sexually transmitted infections, and a further few may develop prematurely sexualised behaviour, most indicators of abuse are emotional and psychological.
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\nMost children will readily give you an explanation for their injuries. If they don't seem sure of what to say, don't want to talk about it, or their explanations seem unlikely, this is a cause for concern.
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\nSexually transmitted infections are the only clear physical indicator of abuse. All other possible signs can only be confirmed through communication with your child. A child who had been abused might disclose in answer to your questions, or they might not at this time. Another possibility is that seemingly out of the blue a child tells you that someone has touched them in a way they didn't like.
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\nNo matter what you decide to do, remember, you are not interfering if you are acting out of integrity. As a member of your community, it's your responsibility to help keep children safe. Trust your instincts and if you feel you should, call for help.

Emotional

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• Changes in emotional mood or expression - e.g. a primarily happy child becomes unhappy, development of tantrums or aggression, becomes withdrawn
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• Increased anxiety - unwillingness to separate from parents, developing fears of places or people, developing high levels of rituals.
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• Sleeping problems - nightmares, bed wetting 
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• An older child behaving more like a younger child e.g. thumb sucking, wanting old soft toys
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• Self-harming - hitting self, enlarging existing sores 
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• Persistent illness or discomfort - stomachaches or headaches 
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• Indicating that they have worries or a secret which worries them 
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• Becoming withdrawn from peers and social activities 
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• Difficulties with concentration and a drop in school grades 
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• Frequent non-attendance in school 
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• Behaviour problems at school e.g. defiance, poor concentration, disruptiveness 
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• Loss of appetite or overeating 
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• A drop in self-esteem and low self-worth 
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• Developing fears of certain people and places 
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• Depression and suicidal remarks / behaviours 
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• Aggressive behaviours, fighting and angry outbursts 
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• Running away and general withdrawal from people 
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• Loss of confidence 
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• Lack of self-care and taking unnecessary risks 
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• Feeling dirty and washing frequently 
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• Expressing disgust about intimacy and closeness 
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• Avoidance of touch  
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Sexualisation

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• Sexual behaviours and language with other children, adults or toys that seem out of the ordinary.
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• Age inappropriate sexual knowledge 
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• Other problematic sexual behaviours 
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• Wants to be nude in public after parent repeatedly and consistently says 'no'
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• Secretly shows 'private parts' in public after being scolded
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• Interest in watching bathroom functions does not wane after days/weeks.
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• Refuses to leave people alone in the bathroom 
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• Excessive masturbation 
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Physical

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• Unexplained injuries or pain in the genitals, anus or mouth
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• Sexually transmitted infections.
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• Unexplained bruises, redness, rashes or bleeding from the genitals, anus or mouth.
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• Genital sores or milky fluids in the genital area.
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• Acknowledge your child's experience. If a child tells you they've been abused, take it seriously. Show your support through words, actions, attitudes and behaviours.
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• Its good for your child to know that you are sad that this has been done to them, but protect them from exposure to the depth of your emotional reactions and processes. Find support for your child and leave your views, questions and judgements to discuss with other adults who can support you.
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• It can help to find other supportive adults to talk to about how you feel.
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• Protect your child from others’ responses if they question the validity of your child's experience.
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• Providing there is no longer a risk of continued abuse, wherever possible we believe it is best for your child to go at their own pace without adding pressure to involve the NZ Police or the Child, Youth and Family or HELP.
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• Wherever possible, it is important for your child to have some sense of control and contribute to decisions. Continue to include your child in decision-making and information sharing in age appropriate ways
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• Endeavour to provide and maintain a safe, healthy environment by being honest, open and consistent. This will build a foundation for your child to experience support and care.
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• Be mindful not to put pressure on your child to disclose more information because of your own shock and confusion. 
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• Disbelief of the sexual abuse with even the most visible evidence is common, because most of us don’t want  to believe that people cause others harm in this way. 
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• No matter if alcohol or drugs were involved, or appearance was blamed for the assault, remember your child did not deserve to be raped or abused. If someone is incapacitated they should be looked after, not violated. 
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• When young people feel like they will be blamed, they may occasionally lie about a detail. This doesn’t mean the rest of the story is not true. 
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• Not everyone needs therapy, but information and support can still be helpful. 
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• Separate out issues. Not everything going on between you and your child will be related to the abuse. 
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• Sometimes the fear of doing more harm makes parents step back from their normal parenting style. Children and young people all need adults to protect and guide them.
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If an official complaint to the police is made, it is important that the detail of the sexual abuse is reported to the police first, not the counsellor. If a disclosure of sexual abuse is made to a counsellor, it is the counsellor’s role to support the young person in deciding what to do next. 

Research suggests that young people are more likely to disclose to a friend first before a family member. Feeling embarrassed or fears of upset are reasons for withholding disclosure to family members.
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\nWhen a disclosure does occur, this can evoke fears that can be disabling and traumatising. You can help your child by:

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1. Relegating all responsibility to the person who has done the abuse.
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2. Maintaining open lines of communication.
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3. Not minimising the impact of the abuse.
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4. Respecting your child’s pace.
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Widening your circle of support and breaking the secrecy by telling other people can become a source of conflict. As a caregiver, you may need to link to other adults or talk to other family members. However your child may not be ready for others to know.
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\nWhere your decisions and choices will have a direct impact on your child, it's important to explain the reasons to give your child a chance to understand. Not giving any explanation may be misinterpreted as not caring. But no matter what, respect your child's pace, and if possible, seek out support from professional specialists who don't have a direct relationship with you and your child.

The impact of what has happened will vary for each person depending on their own unique history and life experiences, and the nature, frequency and the time the sexual abuse occurred. For some the effects may be more long term. There may need to be some repair of family relationships. Safety and trust have been compromised. Your child may need to reclaim a positive body image to develop healthy sexual experiences.

The type of impact may change over time with frequent exposure to triggers (these are things that remind your child about what happened). Pace plays a significant role in the process. Wanting it to be over and 'fixed' by rushing into therapy might be counterproductive.

As your child recovers from sexual abuse, the way they think about the abuse may not always match the way they physically respond. It can take some time for physiological (body) responses to match their changing thought patterns. For example, they might remain hyper vigilant at times even while they're making progress in other areas of life.

In some circumstances, the initial effects may have evolved into more severe behaviours where mental health issues have been identified. This does not mean your child cannot, with the right support, make progress and recover.

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• Be consistent in your behaviour towards your child, especially when imposing boundaries. Being overprotective after an assault may not be useful. They may feel blame is implied if you change the rules and curfews due to your own fears for their safety. 
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• Be supportive, go slowly and respect your child's physical space, emotional safety, process and pace. 
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• Consider talking to him/her about such things as sleep, feelings about being alone, sense of safety and ability to engage in day-to-day activities.
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Appropriate medical attention following sexual abuse or assault can gather evidence, treat injuries and provide prophylactic care for other consequences of the abuse. It is important this is provided by specialist services that are trained to work with survivors and provide forensically informed services.

While evidence is best gathered within 72 hours, it may still be available up to a week after the event. If you have any questions, in Auckland please call Puawaitahi.

HELP

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• Counselling service for women of any age offering support, information and education. Our service also provides family therapy and support. 
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• 24 hour phone support line. This 24 hour telephone service offers support for young people and their friends/family who need information about issues relating to sexual abuse. 
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• Crisis Team Services. The crisis team is available for immediate responses. They also offer crisis appointments for women needing to make decisions about safety or therapeutic support through police interviewing and medical procedures following sexual abuse.
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Check out Safety

Do you think your friend is safe from this person and from this happening again?

To work this out, it helps to know when/where the abuse happened. Does it happen while your friend is at home? Are there other people around at the time of abuse or is it only when they're alone? Does it happen at night when they're in bed? If you think your friend is still at risk of this happening again it's time to call for help.

Yes my friend is safe.

Give your friend support; ask your friend how you can help them. You can provide support by staying with them if they don't feel at ease on their own, or assisting them on making the call to get help from any of the support agencies here.

No my friend is not safe!

Then the main aim is to get your friend to a safe place, away from this happening again. Seek out a trusted adult to disclose to - a teacher, school counsellor, aunty, uncle, mum, dad, older sibling or one of the agencies listed. Keep telling until someone listens to you and does something to help. If this is happening on a regular basis call the Police on 111. If your friend is under 17 years, call Child, Youth and Family (CYF).
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\nIt's really important that your friend does not move to a place the offender will most likely find. If you talk to one of the agencies listed they may be able to help you find a solution that fits with your problem. If possible keep away from the offender until a permanent solution is found. No matter what, it's important for your friend to get help.

\nDoes your friend know the offender?

Yes

Knowing the offender can make it difficult for your friend to tell others. Your friend may want to just forget about what happened for fear that if she/he tells anyone, the offender may go to jail. Your friend may also resort to self-blame, which is quite common. It's important to never blame the person who was sexually abused; it is never their fault. The responsibility solely lies with the offender.

No

Your friend may become very wary of people. They may be scared to go out alone, even to the dairy. It's important that you let your friend take their time, and provide support whenever you can.

Is the person who has caused harm someone you know?

If someone does not give consent, permission, a "yes, I want to have sex with you" to the other person, then it is sexual abuse. The offender will need professional help as well, if and when they're ready - click here for details.

Does the person who has caused harm say nothing happened?

Sometimes, say, in dating situations, the offender may not want to say they forced their date to have sex. Sometimes they may not know that they did anything wrong. This doesn't mean that an unwanted sexual experience didn't happen -- they might have gone too far. The key thing is consent; if both parties freely allowed for the sexual act to happen without using power, coercion or manipulation on the other. have an excellent book on relationships called The word and Your choice, check out their website for more info.

Do you or your friend know about confidentiality rules and privacy?

If an agency says that it will keep your information confidential, this means that no one else will be able to know what you said. A way to check confidentiality is to call agencies anonymously and ask. In most agencies, what gets said between you and the counsellor stays between you. There are times when confidentiality may not apply - for example, when someone's safety is at risk. Most times if counsellors want to break confidence to keep someone safe they will let you know.

What about STI's, pregnancy and general physical health?

It's important that your friend makes sure they are physically ok after the abuse. There are places you can go to that are confidential and supportive. If you live in Auckland, contact HELP. If you live outside of Auckland, visit the TOAH-NNEST site to see the services near your area.

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• If they are still at risk of getting hurt.
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• If they are at risk of hurting themselves.
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• If someone else is at risk of getting hurt.
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It is really important though that you do tell someone who can help them.

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• You can help them talk through their options and make choices.
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• You can help make the first call.
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• You can go with them.
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• You can check in with them afterwards.
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\nMOST SEXUAL HARM IS COMMITTED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE KNOWN. In 90% of cases, the survivor knows the person who has been sexually harmful.

A person who experiences sexual violence might have a physical response like an orgasm or an erection. This does not mean they consented or "liked it". Sex without consent is sexual abuse.