You're Not Alone

It's important to know that your response to what you hear is going to change. Other things may influence it... you have to absolutely say to yourself I believe my daughter and be committed to it totally and 100% believe your daughter. You have to stay really staunch for your daughter.

— mother

When I found out I had this overwhelming sense of relief, the minute she told me everything fell into place; her relationship difficulties, her body image difficulties, her eating difficulties, her bouts of crying, her mood swings - everything fell into place.

— mother

When I had to make decisions about safety it was a terrible dilemma but I knew that I had to consider her process. It was really important that I followed her direction, it made every difference to her recovery, it was everything. The dilemma around that and worrying about other kids was phenomenal.

— father

If your child would feel more comfortable with a female social worker or someone from your culture, you should insist on this from the beginning because it may affect her ability to talk about what it is that has happened.

— parent

The hardest thing was not knowing the details about what happened... and it's still the hardest thing to face... I hated it... I wanted to know exactly what happened... exactly what he did to her. It was really clear she wasn't able to talk about it. I would gently try and see her shut down. It's one of the most selfless acts I've ever had to do.

— parent

It's really important to have someone you can trust. It was a real worry for me choosing a counsellor so I made sure I checked their qualifications, experience and specialised training.

— parent

It was the biggest parenting struggle I've ever had. It was overwhelming... I couldn't have done it without talking to someone. You're holding so much you have to look after yourself. You need to widen your circle of support so you're not alone.

— parent

The hardest thing for me was that I didn't have anyone at all I could tell about how terrible it was, I wanted to talk with my daughter and I coudln't. The whole thing required the most overwhelming kind of staunchness, containment and discipline from me. One of the really helpful things was telling someone else, someone close to me. I checked out about telling with my daughter first... I waited because she was terrified of me telling anyone at all. She was terrified it was going to destroy my family relationships.

— parent

It's important to be clear about what you want and why you are contacting them (Police/CYF) before you make the actual notification. It's ok to get them to tell you clearly what they are going to do so you understand what is going to happen next. Write down what you are going to say or ask before you ring if you need to so you are clear.

— parent

It's really important that you talk to the CYF people first before you make a decision about the type of action you are going to be taking - so you feel really comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable or don't understand the process you can ask the social worker or speak to the site supervisor.

— parent

This stuff happens. It's much more common than people think. But it's good to know there's help out there. My child needs to be accountable but we have to make the process safe for everyone. This is a concerning behaviour, for my child, at this point in time. It's a very concerning behaviour but it's important to realise that it mustn't define who he is now or in the future.

— parent

The process of getting treatment for my child is really hard but once you get through it you do come out the other side. I wouldn't wish what's happened to us on anyone but now I recognise that there's a problem to be addressed and it's important to face it.

— mother

It's so hard when someone you love is hurting someone you also love. It's overwhelming when it hits you.

— parent

Looking back, the way he thought there was always something wrong with him... I think that was his cry for help. It all stopped as soon as everything came out.

— mother

The implications of what my son had done gradually revealed themselves over time. It was on-going, historical abuse. I wanted to know what was available for my daughter. I cried a lot. It was a shock. At the beginning, our son went with his father and my daughter went with me in the treatment programme at SAFE and HELP. It felt like my daughter needed me and he needed his father.

— mother

We had to be really selective about who we spoke to. You don't know what other people's responses are going to be.

— mother

My son is finishing at SAFE this year. My son and daughter don't really see each other yet. I told my daughter I'm not in any hurry. She can see him when she's ready. HELP will help us make that happen. It's very difficult keeping them apart when there are special occasions. It hurts that we are a family and this happened to us.

— parent